Dark Night of the Soul
Real Life Experiences
Story (from England)...
This experience happened
to me 7 years ago. I have edited out a lot of build up and other fears,
conflicts and strange scenarios, just so you can get the essence of my
My last day at university
that I was not very happy at for my 3 year stay. No plans for the future,
no idea what to do next and my boyfriend walks off with another women at the
leaving party before my very eyes. Cried for 3 days, not knowing what to do or
where to go but still packing my belongings along with my house mates. Mum
and Dad offer refuge at home, so I travel to the other end of the country
to stay with them. Dad is at work and Mum lays down the law in her controlling
manner, so I leave like usual. Go and stay with my cousin at the other
end of the country, don't know him that well, but my brother is living with
him, could be ok. Brother not happy to see me, cousin working all the time.
Very alone, can't find work. Call ex-boyfriend that just "dumped"
me. I didn't care my morale was so low, I needed someone. He came to
visit with a mutual friend called Paul. It was a strange time. Afterwards
the ex-boyfriend went to visit his new girl friend and Paul went back to my
old university town where he lived. Paul was not a student, never was. He
was unemployed and took a fair amount of drugs and had a reputation for
stealing alcohol and small, valuable items from his "friends'"
houses. He had been to prison a couple of times.
I remained at my cousin's
house alone and lower than ever. Paul phones "Come down, I've
got some acid." Yeh, what the hell, what have I got to loose.
3 hour train journey. Just
before I got on the train something told me that I should not go, but I
did. Even though I had a bad feeling about it.
Take the acid that night
on arrival to a very run down house with a few tenants, opposite the police
station of all places. Very potent on my tongue. 4 hours later I was well
and truly immersed in the drama of the dark night of my soul. I cannot
describe the absolute terror, fear, turmoil, lack of control, isolation,
insanity and the absolute pain of being in an open space prison. It
didn't matter where I turned to or how I tried to feel, EVERYTHING was
alive and dead at the same time. There was consciousness but no love and it
was pitiful and sad with a tremendous feeling of guilt and regret. TOO LATE,
you are too late to change it now. I was dead, alone in the universe, but so
conscious. I could not feel my body nor see it. I felt like I had been there
for an eternity, eternal torture. It was my thoughts and nothing else. I
realised that I was not getting out of there, that I was stuck in some
plane somewhere and not one living being knew I was! there. The energy in
that place was oh so powerful it was like feeling the power of the earth
rotating and hearing it too. I had to fight for my life because I could
feel a pull on me that was going to take me into a life review and
possibly re-incarnation. "OH MY GOD." Through my mass of
jumbled, chaotic, terrified thoughts and feelings the one word that kept
coming back to me was "God." It was terrifying.
"I have to call to
God he is my only hope, but will he hear me? and what if I call and he doesn't
exist, or if nothing happens at all? How long will I be here?...Will I be one
of those in a mental institute for the rest of my physical life, but my mind
will be trapped here, somewhere else?"
I summoned up all my
energy and strength and screamed and yelled from the depths of my being. I was
so sincere, so longing, so needful, so desperate.
"GOD, GOD PLEASE HELP
ME. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO LIVE. I'M SORRY, SO SORRY I WILL NEVER DO IT
My senses started to
return immediately. I could feel movement of vessels in what felt like my
head. Liquid pulsating through channels. Yes my head was reforming and I
opened my eyes and I was in my body. Someone was holding my hand. It
was Paul standing there sobbing. I said "What happened?" he said
"I saw your hell."
We were standing outside
the house opposite the police station, it was quiet and dark. God knows how
much noise I made, or if I made any at all. We quickly went back into the
house. I still had another 7 hours of hellish experiences but I was
learning to master the fear and to take responsibility for my actions. I
became aware of CHOICE, but it was a fearful struggle trying to hold onto my
little bit of sanity and normality. When Paul and I had recovered enough by
morning and the fear had subsided we both acknowledged that we went to a place
with no soul...so I forced myself to give him a hug even though I was
terrified of the man. It was the beginning of learning to love myself and
When I was going
through that experience I knew it was something that I had been leading up to,
that I had to go through with one way or another. It was hell. The next day
when the full affect of the acid had worn off and I could feel like a human
again, I was a young woman in shock. Even now I am stunned by the experience.
I hardly slept for 3 nights. I was floating in clouds and I would have to sit
up and pinch and bite myself to make sure I was in my body. In the day, I was
glad for simple things like puddles and blue patches in the sky. I went
to the cathedral and cried to God and thanked him for being there when I
needed him most. I was new.
Someone gave me this
thought once....Picture an ice cube in a glass of water. You are the ice
cube. Because you are aware that you are an ice cube you get all puffed
up about it. "I am cool, beautiful and unique." or deflated
about it "I am of no significance, all alone, with no charisma."
The water, however, is
God. He is in you, all around you, above and below and you are no
different from God.
"Divinity is your
only reality, realize this and walk free."
I am still learning about
myself and I have painful experiences, suffer fears and saddnesses but I am
learning from them. I am more aware of my failings and why I make the mistakes
I make. I am trying to heal myself and my relationship with my mother. I try
to help people when I can and if I have nothing to give I try to be kind to
myself until I am needed in the world. I pray, I meditate on God and
Love and I always try to ask the right questions. Like "How can I learn
from this pain/negativity/discomfort or lack of peace that I feel?"
"What do I need to be aware of, or need to do to change myself?"
I feel deep within my soul
that my whole life is dedicated to making the world a better place in my own
small, little way...this I do for God and when I die and I cannot do it
If there is one thing that
I have learnt it is that when lessons are not being learnt and the same
mistakes are being made again and again pain is my greatest teacher. I
only hope we as a human family will learn our lesson for justice and peace in
the world before there is no world and all of us are too late.
If you would like to
contact me to share energy, or if I can be of any help to you, my email
address is .... firstname.lastname@example.org