My life has been a series of dark nights. Each with it’s own revelations. Each coinciding with change and growth. As the dark night periods lasted longer and gained in momentum and strength, I started questioning why? The major triggers in my life appeared to be with the birth of my children, or the onset of major change. With my first child, I had to leave my job, sell my car, change my identity. Life was ok for a few years and I moved interstate, I started having very strange experiences. I became paranoid of looking out the window at night, I started asking what my purpose was, the answer I received being “to look after the little children.” I had no idea what that meant, I still don’t. I left 12 months later with an overnight bag. I lost everything, all my clothes, possessions, even my car. I slept on the couch at my mother’s for 6 months. A few years later my second child was born after a relationship that went very wrong. 

There was a lot of pain and anguish involved. I lost 2 businesses, and moved to the country. I lived in a caravan without power and water and barely the basics. The next two years things only got worse, I had no car, and no hope for a better life. My daughter at 6 months had a life threatening illness and nearly died, I had a huge ambulance bill to pay and life was a big struggle. I would wake myself up at night crying. I lost weight and released my frustration and pain by digging up gardens, so I lost a lot of weight. I had no heating in winter and eventually I got pneumonia. I was seriously ill and in extreme pain and I think this was the first time I cried out with all my heart WHY?  Help me God!! 

Things then began moving again. My house was built and things looked good for quite a while. But negative episodes started happening I felt powerless to stop it. This lasted for quite some time and at that stage I delved back into meditation, I learnt crystal healing, I read auras, and things came good again. I felt like I had found something to fill a void that had been in my life. At this time I was doing automatic writings too, with many words of wisdom I mostly ignored. I felt at this time that I had a connection with the stars somehow, strange lights appeared and that I had some sort of purpose, but it eluded me. Things were pretty tough financially but still…OK. I decided to further my studies and I ended up in a relationship at that time. My daughter then got bacterial meningitis and nearly died on me again. My daughter took a full six months to be able to walk properly again and I was under a huge amount of stress with doctor and specialist appointments, it was confirmed that she was now 90% deaf. It was at this time that I started getting messages that ‘the birds are coming’ and that I needed to prepare.

The relationship turned out to be a nightmare and I was stalked and harassed by this person for a long time. I had been going in and out of depressions all my life but always seemed to come out of them eventually. The next few years were ok, I continued my studies. About this time I became a wildlife carer and then had to deal with the public. I lacked confidence in the extreme, and I was attacked by other carers who got their noses out of joint. I was a mess for about 12 months trying to cope, but I hung in because the need was there, and there were a lot of animals coming in. I learnt some of my greatest lessons in this time, although it very nearly broke me. As this started to settle down I started having serious problems with my son. He caused me extreme stress and pain, which lasted for the next 7 years, my house was broken into, things were stolen and I lived on a razor’s edge. Many times I would sit out in the yard in the middle of the night crying and looking to the stars would ask for help, and an end to all the pain. But things continued to go downhill and I was in a serious depression that lasted for years. I thought about ending my life on many occasions to escape, but I had responsibilities. 

I then met the love of my life. It was like all my prayers had been answered and finally I was the happiest I had ever been. I then found I was pregnant and he didn’t want to be involved with a young child at that stage in life. So that was that. I was shattered to the core. I had never felt the intensity of pain, and was in denial right up until I had my second daughter, and then for at least another year. I had a C section and while in hospital was overloaded with the drip. I bloated up like a balloon and hadn’t eaten in four days. I came out of hospital too early not in good shape. I suddenly had a huge physical release, a total liver cleanse, with severe night sweats as my liver burned up all the toxins/anger. This just exploded into a huge emotional release that overwhelmed me. I cried for a month non stop. I cried for a year. My pain was so great and so unending I almost lost touch with reality. I clung onto my studies to find some sense of self worth and purpose to my life, but even this was crumbling. I had experienced unconditional love for once in my life, yet it was so short lived, and taken from me. My young daughter was the blessing I received to fill that void. In those darkest hours I cried and asked over and over why, help me find love, help me find peace, help me stop the pain, over and over. Nothing happened, I was in despair so great. Financially things only got worse, my son was causing great strife, I stopped looking after myself and went downhill physically and mentally. This was the most difficult time of all.

I then went through a period of stagnation, where I started doubting my studies. I had this feeling that it was a journey but not the destination. I started looking at my whole life. I realized that I could not accept unconditional love, because I didn’t love myself. Although I knew this, being applied to a real situation seemed to hit home. I asked for guidance in how to love myself while everything in my life that had some meaning to me seemed to be slipping away. Material things just lost my interest, everything that I had been aiming at suddenly seemed unimportant. I went into a deep depression again, I began crying a lot for no reason. I became very tired and needed to sleep so much. 

My house fell apart, I couldn’t cope with everyday tasks. My son seemed to finally be getting his life in order and mine was falling apart. The less interest I had in my surroundings the greater the stress and chaos that seemed to infiltrate everything. I lost interest in everything in my life and wanted to be a hermit. I realized I was withdrawing within. This made me feel guilty. The best way to describe it is that my structure dissolved, everything I had relied on for my sense of security vanished. I became very negative. It was like every ounce of light had been taken out of me. I was truly living the dark side. My daughter is nearly 3 now. I felt I had stopped. That life had stopped within me. At this time, new teachings began to emerge in my life. I started taking notice and it kept getting stronger.

I still felt I was in no-where-land, lost in my own mind, detached from reality, detached from the physical. It was frightening, I was lost and I didn’t know where I was going. At that time I asked again for some direction, to show me the way, to help me please move out of this, move anywhere, just move. But yet I stayed and it all intensified. I made a decision then that I would just go with it. I let go my studies, I just let it go, maybe I will continue again, I hope so, but right now it doesn’t matter. I decided to trust the Universe, to allow the light to lead me to my next step. I handed over my trust that all is in order, regardless of how it appeared. From that moment I relaxed a bit, the fog was clearing just a little. Enough to notice help when it was offered, to recognize truth, to expand my mind even more. I know there are things to do still, and my resistance is still fairly high, but it’s ok, it will happen I have faith now, for I have no place to go except to a higher good. I still do the wildlife.

What helped me the most at these times:

The greatest thing you can find is someone else who understands what you are going through and you are not alone. I finally did.

I decided one day that I had no joy in my life. That joy had deserted me many years ago. I felt life was meant to be joyful….so how do I get that back? So I searched my heart and my memory and the greatest joy I had as a young person was my horse. So I bought another horse. I look at her now and she represents joy to me. I see her as joy. I see that I can have joy, once you decide that you are worthy of it…and you are.

I learnt to take each day at a time. This process has a will of it’s own, you can either go with it, or go against it. If you truly believe that your highest good is in order then just be. Live in the moment and see what the next moment brings. This is difficult, to just ‘allow’ but by allowing, what you need to move on, is allowed in.

If your physical world is diminishing and your spiritual world expanding, then go with that. Explore it. I still deal with a lot of guilt in this area, but I have no choice that’s just how it is right now. Tomorrow might be different.

Stop your mind occasionally. My mind is so full of what I could do, what I should do, that I do nothing. If you haven’t meditated for years like me, then it’s a good time to get into it. I would like to exercise too, I feel I need to do that, but I can’t just yet. But it will come.

Get rid of everything in your life you don’t need, and I mean everything. Don’t let it sit. Get rid of it immediately. This keeps the flow going.

Talk to God, ask questions, explore…answers do come, in one form or another. At times I couldn’t see a higher good in it all. To me it was just all negative. I am still fairly negative at times, and get impatient a lot, but I have an inner knowing now that what is happening to me must happen. I have accepted this, so I am beginning to see a positive side.

If you wish to contact me for sharing energy, my e-mail address is... margapixie@hotmail.com